when the same thing is viewed from the perspective of different people, it can be so different. I don't really know where I stand in this spectrum of point of views. Sometimes, I feel that I really dislike something but now I'm not so sure anymore. I see people live their lives the way that I disapprove and yet I can see why people can be happy being the way they are. I can't really tell what's wrong and what's right. But I also know that once I'm at where I am now, I can no longer go back. It's like if I never left Singapore, I would be a different person now and it's a irreversible process.
Whatever it is, I wouldn't be happy with myself knowing that I haven't explore the world even if it might not be for the best.
I almost now feel that I'm happier with Americans now, but not really. somewhere in between.
I guess it's very hard to understand such a feeling, but I'm glad that at least s does since she probably had a very similar experience as me.
I'm almost happy to go back to school now.
such an irony o.o never thought this would actually happen.

too emotional, will not do.

there are many problems with me
1. I dwell so much on the past that I think I'm living half of my life in the past, three-quarter of it in the future and only a quarter in the present. In RV, I miss my childhood days, in RJ, i miss RV super a lot and now, I really miss RJ. This is a freaking vicious circle. I remember all those glorious days and I want to go back so much.
2. Day dream about the future. I imagine this and that and sometimes none of these expectations will be met and thus I, not only wasted my time on day-dreaming, spent unnecessary energy to disappoint myself.
3. Very extreme about many things. nothing is done in moderation and everything must be pushed to the extreme. extreme in almost everything such as even food. I like extremely sour fruits, extremely spicy noodles, n such. I also desire very much to be extremely good in all the shit I'm doing n want to find an extremely good person to be with which is probably my main reason for being still single now.
4. I don't know why the hell am I writing this shit

anyway at point, I just think that true happiness is something so hard to obtain. and many things change over time with circumstances especially people. Even if people don't change, their feelings and perceptions towards things change, sometimes such changes are reversible and sometimes not. I once didn't understand why someone can be so detached from friends and people who were once acquaintances, but now I seem to be able to understand a little of that. Nothing in this world is really unbreakable or forever, except maybe the bonds of family, kinship, and marriage.

right now, I also think that naive is good. very good. Not knowing something is not really an disadvantage since not knowing means you don't know that you don't know and thus you will be saved from the agony of knowing some harsh reality. Keeping hope in blind faith is not really all bad. afterall, all realities are relative and whatever you believe shall be the reality.

The delights the world affords are the same everywhere, differing only
in their outer forms. Here one learns how to see further and go deeper
than in 'modern' life, which is generally so very much more superficial
despite its wealth of outer forms

- Ernst Ludwig Kirchner

despite the fact that I have posting mostly complaints ( okay no one knows this blog so this is an obvious choice)
It was really nice to hang out with refreshing people. Recently i have realized that people who make you feel better are really the ones you should treasure and stick with. Sometimes, it's really now that you have problems, it's just that you're with the wrong people. It's interesting to know how relationships with people have been something that I constantly think about here when I never used to do it. In singapore, everything is simple and easy. I have friends and I can make friends pretty easily, there are the people I like and the people I dislike. very distinct and never crosses each other's boundary. But coming here somehow made me see the bad and good side of everyone ( sadly to say, mostly people aren't appear to be what they are). I don't know if this is a good thing, I kind of prefer to just be with people and not analyze them. 

Also, I went to prison yesterday. It was totally not what I was expecting and I don't know how to see their position with respect to mine yet, but they seem to be really nice. I also concluded that charlotte is a pretty motherly figure. hahahaha
and my roommate smokes fucking a lot. I wouldn't say that I can feel sorry for her when she missed all her classes in the morning. I mean yea. wtf. stop smoking. and go to class. it's interesting how when someone annoys you in some ways, you started to be blind to all the good parts of that person. 

being with people who don't understand is just tiring.
like the fortune cookie I've gotten once said: you cannot make people who don't understand understand.
Okay this is totally true despite the fact that it came from a fortune cookie.
and I felt like I've stepped out into fresh air from a shit hole after talking to more like-minded and sane people.
I then always question myself why the hell did i end up in this shit hole in the first place. feel so wronged to be with some of the people I'm with now. I don't want to be with people who doesn't know who I am and think that I'm inferior or what so ever.

I hate it when people are jealous of me. It doesn't boost my ego in any way or make me more satisfied with myself or anything. It just annoys me and makes me think that it's pointless to be better in the ways I am because the more talented person doesn't always get the better outcome. It almost makes me think that it's a pity that I have the things I have and yet not being able to put all of them into use. There are many "What if"s that arose with everything that I'm good at. What if I can be this and that just because I'm better than most people in this and that. It frustrates me to think about it because I can't be everything or I'm not yet anything. I have yet to find anything which I absolutely cannot do except maybe music which is one weakness that I knew I have since forever.

and continuing from this very egoistic post ( the reason why I never tell strangers my blog)

I'm generally disappointed in people around me. I used to think that everybody is nice, at least in one way or another. Everyone probably still is except that I no longer have the patience to see it and I'm so easily irritated by the lousy behaviors of so many people. I miss Singapore also in the sense that people don't scrutinize another person's behavior as much. Maybe that's because everybody kind of does the same thing in the same way somehow.

the moment that I fear will come has finally come. 
After two weeks of being overly energetic and optimistic and productive, I finally felt the drain and understood why I used to dislike grinnell
maybe I have bipolar o.o long suspected disease haha
anyways, I was unreasonably hurt/emotional towards the fact that my mum thinks that econ will be a much better option. But I'm pretty sure it's due to my unhappiness building up rather than the incident itself. 

I feel self-assured that I'm excellent and thus I am =.=

Grinnel has been like grinnell except that this yr seems to be less happening and I havent touch any alcohol etc. yet. First weekend passed substance free o.o
Everyone seems to be too lazy to meet new people and make new friends. well, whatever-.- it doesnt matter anymore, i just want to pass each day lazily.

anyway im writting here after soo long is because sth really made me very sad. this has nothing to do with school or back to US. it's just that my mum skyped me to tell me that my grandma can no longer talk due to her stroke. I mean it's not I had no idea at all of her health conditions, it's just that I always pretend that I don't know. I suspect that it's because I'm scared to know or something. To other people, it seems like I never cared abt my grandparents because i never asked anything abt them or call them on phone, in fact I always avoid phone conversations with them at all costs. This is really not because I have nothing to say them, in fact I have so many things that I want to tell them and ask them about, but I just don't know how to say them. it's hard, I no longer know how to talk like the way they do or remember how I used to communicate with people from there. It's sad. Because when the day they leave me, all those memories from childhood which I cherish so much will belong me alone and will remain as only memories. I really want to tell how I feel to somebody now but I really can't think of any single person who can really know what I'm talking about. Of course it's natural, it's like how I cant always understand how others' feel too. Maybe one day I will tell my mum all this. Maybe.

Okay end of all this sadness for now.

I'm actually pretty happy to be in school right now with the exception of how upset I felt just now. Life is definitely more contructive than that in SIngapore.

live without thinking = happiness because all the superficial things shall dominate any sorrow that could possibly arise or felt.
what's the point of becoming wise if everyone is going to die anyway in the end. everyone should just be stupid and live happily
it's not like we can change the world right?